Another Fantasy Football Preview

In an amazing display of terrible, brutal football my team is winless.  It's not like I'm knocking on the door or even pretending to be in close games.  I am BAD.  Brutal.  TERRIBLE.  I feel like the classic winless Bucs, not the Lions of last year.. the team that was so brutal when they asked their head coach, "What do you think of your team's execution?"  He replied, "I'm all for it."  That's how I feel with big name, little production players like Colt McCoy, Julio Jones, and Regis Benn leading the charge.  These guys are stiffs right now, Benn can't find the end zone with a map.  The last time Julio Jones scored gas was under $1.20 a gallon and the internet hadn't been invented yet. 

I don't even want to talk about the problems I've had at TE, right now, I must be running the triple option and my TE's are extra linemen.  I actually think I've been through like 8 on the year, musical chairs.  Mosley gets the boot in Oklahoma State, Saunders can't catch a cold in South Carolina and so on.  It's so bad, that I took LANCE KENDRICKS just so I could cheer more for him during Badger games.. nobody else was scoring anyway.  It's like a bunch of dudes hanging out together on prom night, nothing good is going to happen.  Not surprisingly, when Kendricks showed up in my fantasy football team locker room; he turned in his #84 jersey and asked for #64. 

I was depressed at that very moment.  That's when something shocking happened.. Kerry Meier stood up.  The quiet, scraggly looking former QB that is slower than Maurice Clarett, yet has more catches more balls than Jerry Rice.. let out a speech that went something like this.  And when he got done.. all I had to do was step in and say, "If that doesn't give you goosebumps... you don't deserve to play fantasy college football for a coach like me."  The team clapped, cheered, and stormed to their fantasy hotel rooms to get a good nights sleep before the big fantasy match-up later today.  I'm so jacked.. that I can't even sleep and I need to be up going over my gameplan at 7 AM so I can hit up the farmer's market before my schedule time to make sure my real roster is in. 

#1 Crass vs. #9 Bill
-Bill used to be the league's elite and Crass was a joke, but shrewd draft decisions put Crass at the top of the league.  He's led by Senior QB Tony Pike and elite RB's Mark Ingram, Jahvid Best, and sudden superstar Joe McKnight.  He gets enough out of his WR's like Randall Cobb and the USC defense is one of the best in the land.  Bill's team is decimated by the terrible Jevan Snead trade and graduation.  Crass has a lot of pressure on him with his new #1 slot, but let's be honest.  Bill is so caught up at work right now that his wife called me twice last night and he hasn't turned a line-up in yet.  Right now, Bill can't punch his way out of a wet paper bag.  Crass rolls by at least 42 points.

#4 Josh vs. #7 T-Raz
-Josh hasn't fielded a line up yet this week either, but he has the best excuse.  He's married with 2 kids and 2 cats.  You try to work and still have time to put a line-up in; I dare you.  What he needs to do is throw a bday party and go like this on the pinata to get some space.  In the meantime, Nic Grigsby, Jordan Shipley, and Blaine Gabbert will carry his team to victory after victory.  T-Raz was full of piss and vinegar to start the season, talking trash, kicking butts (allegedly) and taking names.  Then, the season started and things weren't so easy.  It might be that he's back in college, it might be that he's been overrated his entire life, I think it's just he doesn't know how to coach.  Tebow, Dwyer, Noel Devine are his Holy Trinity.  Sadly, Tebow takes offense to that since he knows he is nowhere near a God.  It doesn't matter this week, however, as Superman goes bonkers in a mild upset.  T-Raz by 12+.

#3 Cherns vs. #5 Joe
-Cherns openly admits to not caring much for Joe after a one hit wonder week by Joe last year.  Some call it Ice, Ice Baby.  Some call it Too Sexy.  Cherns calls it MMMMBOP.  Joe can't keep his team out of trouble; they're like the old Bengals or Cowboys (but not nearly as good).  Arrests, punch, getting free gifts from Deion Sanders.. all sorts of shady stuff going on over there.  Some call him the Bobby Bowden of the league, others just call him Thug U.  Whatever it is, he doesn't handle pressure well despite an amazing cast of WR's and Zac Robinson at QB.  He can't control the clock, and he's apparently missing a few yards of a first down when it comes to X's and O's.  Cherns, on the other hand, is really good at talking, and average at playing.  You'd think he was better than he was, he doesn't sell himself short on confidence.  He's almost Ahmad Carroll like with his mouth and freakish skills of the players, his football IQ is more on the Vince Young/Akili Smith level, however.  Eric Decker and the Florida defense are too much for Joe.  Cherns by 15.

# 8 Bauman vs. #2 Perrins
--What a joke of two owners in this game.  Don't get me wrong, they come to play every Saturday.  Masters of motivation, but these guys are on the Sean O'Reily level of intelligence.  In case you didn't know, he's not all there.  He claimed he hooked up with a girl in Madison.. he didn't.  He says he has a model girlfriend and created a fake facebook profile of her, writes messages to him from "her" and from him to "her."  Except.. they are all from him.. to him.  He even lit a garbage on fire in Whitewater, burned his shoe in the garbage.. THEN wore those shoes to practice in Madison where I questioned him and had him so flustered that he thought up was down.  He IS an embarassment.. that's how I'd model these two.  Bauman's fingers are SO big that he can't wear gloves, and Perrins brain is so small that he once put it in a parakeet and it zinged backwards.  Either way, these two clowns have a game against each other and Perrins is clicking getting a monster night from Fab Frosh Dion Lewis.  Bauman has been too busy crying over Stratford football's demise that he hasn't fielded a roster yet.  You know, he runs the Stratford QB Club.  No lie.  $15 entry and you get a free t-shirt and can drink at local Stratford pubs.  In the meantime, he's celebrating that legendary Cal Tackes isn't suspended.  As far as his actual roster goes.. does it really matter?  Perrins in a cake walk by 45.

#6 Brian vs. #10 Chad
-Right now, I am the laughing stock of the league.  Dead last, riding all the momentum from Kerry Meier's speech onto the field.  That's where I am leaving it.  My offense knows what they need to do (score points) and my defense (Thug U) needs to stop the opposing team and maybe score a bit on their own.  I'm going without Colt .45 again and riding Jerrod Johnson instead, that is my big change for the week.  What Brian is going to do right now is a secret, but I really found a few good sports movies this week to watch at home and realize an underdog can win.  I don't care about Brian's line up.  I don't care if he knows my goals on offense and defense.  Because it doesn't matter what you do.. it's how you do it!  If I had money on this game.. if Vegas made a line.. it'd be Brian by 35.5.  And you know what?  I'd go all in, moneyline on me.  Stone Cold Lock.  First Win!  BOOOOOOK IT!